As we approached the door, I was holding Harrison's little hand, I asked, "Whose house are we at Harrison?" He obediently and knowingly answered, "Grandma's house." This was tough, I knew what he was anticipating, walking in the door, running over to his Grandma, giving her a hug and running off to play with her. My heart ached...
I'm grateful we went when there was lots of family there, my brother and his family, my sister, all there to entertain and distract Harrison from what I think he noticed. When your two, how does that work? Harrison gets upset when his teddy bear isn't in his bed at night or his blanket is missing. How does he process that all of a sudden his grandma isn't talking to him on the phone everyday and playing with him when we go to her house and now, she's not there at all.
It sucks really, I mean, I get it. We'll be reunited after this life, but for this life it just kinda sucks don't you think? You want your children to be exposed to your parents, with all their quirks and imperfections there are the great things too. And, let's not forget, who else loves your children as much as you do, that's right, their grandparents. OK, I know this is turning into a pity party and I promise to stop. My mother would give me a little sympathy here, but also she'd try and turn it around.
So, here's the turning point. I am blessed. No really, I AM BLESSED.
1. I am married to an amazing man, it's obvious right. The one thing I count my lucky stars about in life is that I married Chris.
2. I have an awesome family. Some of you may know I can be a bit cranky, stubborn, sarcastic, I can go on, well I have a family that puts up with it and helps me through it. Sometimes they even put me in my place. You all know who you are, and I thank you for it. The babysitting, the long talks, help around the house, just the general support I feel from loved ones. Thank you.
3. My boys rock. I can't say enough here. Only that when I hear Harrison calling out, "MOM!" and Carter squeals with delight every time he catches my eye...my heart skips a beat.
4. I love being a mom. It's hard work, it's challenging, I love it. It's like learning a new skill set and taking a new career path. I really think I can be successful at this, let's hope so.
5. I have great friends. I enjoy the talks on the phone, the lunch and shopping dates, the play dates. Whatever, a good friend is hard to come by and I'm blessed to have the ones I do.
6. I am loved. I could go on and on about this, from spiritual and earthly perspectives, I know this.
Whew. So, I hope I turned things around here a little. My Mom would be proud, I hope she is. Thanks for listening.
3 comments:
oh, that breaks my heart a little. But, I think your allowed to feel bad about that. That is sad, it sucks even. It's one thing for it to affect you, but it's a whole other thing when you know it's going to make your kids sad too. I think you are allowed to be sad about that. Thank goodness those boys have such a wonderful mother who will no doubt fill their hearts as much as they can be filled.
I have a song that whenever I hear it I think of you. I am in the process of trying to figure out a way to copy it for you...
I am glad to hear you are still navigating this complicated and unique process of grieving. Keep at it.
I love the honesty of this post. No one would expect anything but the feelings you expressed and you're absolutely entitled to feel ripped off. Breaks my heart for you.
But, I also loved your list of blessings as learned by your mother. Too bad the blessings don't always take away that deep, poignant pain. It's probably particularly hard this time of year. You're in our thoughts.
p.s. on a lighter note - yay for your blog! :)
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