Lots to do, but a moment of reflection...

The other night we went over to my parent's house to spend some time with my Dad.  He has been understandably grieving and wanted us to spend some time over there, all of us.  I knew this would be a little hard for me, not that I haven't been over there since my mother's passed, but this time was the first time I brought Harrison and Carter with me.  

As we approached the door, I was holding Harrison's little hand, I asked, "Whose house are we at Harrison?" He obediently and knowingly answered, "Grandma's house."  This was tough, I knew what he was anticipating, walking in the door, running over to his Grandma, giving her a hug and running off to play with her.  My heart ached...

I'm grateful we went when there was lots of family there, my brother and his family, my sister, all there to entertain and distract Harrison from what I think he noticed.  When your two, how does that work?  Harrison gets upset when his teddy bear isn't in his bed at night or his blanket is missing.  How does he process that all of a sudden his grandma isn't talking to him on the phone everyday and playing with him when we go to her house and now, she's not there at all.  

It sucks really, I mean, I get it.  We'll be reunited after this life, but for this life it just kinda sucks don't you think?  You want your children to be exposed to your parents, with all their quirks and imperfections there are the great things too.  And, let's not forget, who else loves your children as much as you do, that's right, their grandparents. OK, I know this is turning into a pity party and I promise to stop.  My mother would give me a little sympathy here, but also she'd try and turn it around.

So, here's the turning point.  I am blessed.  No really, I AM BLESSED.  

1. I am married to an amazing man, it's obvious right.  The one thing I count my lucky stars about in life is that I married Chris.

2. I have an awesome family.  Some of you may know I can be a bit cranky, stubborn, sarcastic, I can go on, well I have a family that puts up with it and helps me through it.  Sometimes they even put me in my place.  You all know who you are, and I thank you for it.  The babysitting, the long talks, help around the house, just the general support I feel from loved ones.  Thank you. 

3.  My boys rock.  I can't say enough here.  Only that when I hear Harrison calling out, "MOM!"  and Carter squeals with delight every time he catches my eye...my heart skips a beat.

4.  I love being a mom.  It's hard work, it's challenging, I love it.  It's like learning a new skill set and taking a new career path.  I really think I can be successful at this, let's hope so.

5.  I have great friends.  I enjoy the talks on the phone, the lunch and shopping dates, the play dates.  Whatever, a good friend is hard to come by and I'm blessed to have the ones I do.

6.  I am loved.  I could go on and on about this, from spiritual and earthly perspectives, I know this.

Whew. So, I hope I turned things around here a little.  My Mom would be proud, I hope she is. Thanks for listening.

Family Picture = Hard work!

So, after that great family picture of us at Temple Square I thought it only appropriate to follow it up with another family picture of us.  This one a little better poised I hope.  Let's be honest I stressed for weeks on outfits, location, photographer, all of the necessary elements for a great family picture and I'm happy to say, "I like them!"  Whew, what a lot of work.  I have more on the cd and I'll probably post more, afterall, can you get enough of us!  Ya, that's what I thought, me neither...

Temple Square, thanks...

Oh the joys of our little family.  This was taken a couple of weeks ago, thought I should share some of our great moments...

Love this Blog!!

http://mysuperhopelessromance.blogspot.com/

Okay, so we all know I've been a bit heavy, deep, pensive, and all the stuff that comes along with the events of late in my life.  But, there is hope!  I love this blog, I've laughed as I read it yesterday and today and can't wait for her to post more.  It's supposedly someone here in Salt Lake and it's all about how she's in love with her best friend and he doesn't know it.  Anyways, she created this blog to vent about it and I'm hooked.  It's like reading a Twilight book (I know I may have gone too far, but I promise it's pretty good).  I'm one of those people that gets hooked on reality TV shows, all of them, even the totally tacky boring ones.  And now, I'm hooked on reality blogs...I know, I'm not making you want to be my best friend anytime soon. Anyways, check it out.

My testimony

Dear Emily,

I want to thank you for the chance to reflect on my testimony, especially at this time in my life.  With the passing of my mother I feel an overwhelming need to document my thoughts and in particular how they relate to the gospel.  So, with that said I will share my thoughts here.  

I have a firm testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and have to thank my mother for being my first example of a woman of faith and conviction.  In her last days we shared a conversation that I will never forget and it taught me much in regards to her testimony even in her last hours of life on this earth. So, I’ll start with this.  

I know the Atonement of Jesus Christ was real for my mother.  My mother talked of trials  and referred to the trial of death. She was experiencing the pain and discomfort of her physical body deteriorating and this was a great trial for her, one of the hardest in her life.  But, in the midst of her failing health she expressed thanks for the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  She knew that her Savior had taken on all the pain and suffering of mankind and that included her situation.  She was experiencing pain, physical pain, and she endured it bravely because she knew her Savior had atoned for even that and in this she found her strength in the end.  She knew trials were a part of this life and as she faced her final trial of this life she looked to her Savior and this would be her last lesson to me, one I will never forget.

I know the Atonement of Jesus Christ is real for me.  As I overcome my own grief of the separation from my mother through her death, I know that Christ not only wants to take this burden from me but has prepared a way for my mother and I to be reunited again someday.  Through his Atonement my mother and I will be made perfect and we will one day see each other again.  I believe this to be true and I rejoice at the knowledge that I will one day see my mother again and it will be glorious.

I know the church is true, it was restored to the earth for us in these latter days.  I was fortunate to live in a home where this was a sacred truth.  It wasn’t a perfect home, but this was one thing that never faltered.  I hope to be able to pass this on to my own children.  I know that because of the gospel my children will know their grandmother one day and feel of her love just as I have throughout my life, she has not disappeared but instead has been reunited with her loved ones on the other side veil.  This is a joyous event for her and I find peace knowing she is happy.  I believe that all of my family will be reunited someday and this is because of the gospel and the great plan of salvation. 

I know the Book of Mormon to be true.  As I study the scriptures I am grateful for the comfort of this book, the clarity it offers on so many subjects including the death of my mother. 

I know Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and I know Thomas S. Monson is the Lord’s chosen mouthpiece for the church at this time.  I support these men and find great comfort in their words.  Thomas S. Monson at the last conference gave a talk that really hit home with me, it talks about adapting to change and finding joy in the journey.  I’ll end with the words of his conference address.  He said, “Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed. I pray that all of us will reflect gratitude for our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. His glorious gospel provides answers to life’s greatest questions: Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where does my spirit go when I die?

He taught us how to pray. He taught us how to serve. He taught us how to live. His life is a legacy of love. The sick He healed; the downtrodden He lifted; the sinner He saved.

The time came when He stood alone. Some Apostles doubted; one betrayed Him. The Roman soldiers pierced His side. The angry mob took His life. There yet rings from Golgotha’s hill His compassionate words, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” Earlier, perhaps perceiving the culmination of His earthly mission, He spoke the lament, “Foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.”12 “No room in the inn”13 was not a singular expression of rejection—just the first. Yet He invites you and me to receive Him. “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”14

Who was this Man of sorrows, acquainted with grief? Who is the King of glory, this Lord of hosts? He is our Master. He is our Savior. He is the Son of God. He is the Author of our Salvation. He beckons, “Follow me.”15 He instructs, “Go, and do thou likewise.”16 He pleads, “Keep my commandments.”17

Let us follow Him. Let us emulate His example. Let us obey His word. By so doing, we give to Him the divine gift of gratitude.

Brothers and sisters, my sincere prayer is that we may adapt to the changes in our lives, that we may realize what is most important, that we may express our gratitude always and thus find joy in the journey.”

Thank you again for the opportunity to reflect on what I know to be true. 

Best,

Laura

'Tis the Season

The most wonderful time of the year!  I love Christmas time and it's sneaking up on us too quickly this year, but at least I have accomplished one of the most important feats of the season.  You may ask what, what is it?  Well, I purchased my 1 lb boxes of See's Candies as my special gifts to close family and friends.  See's Candies are an absolute tradition in my family.  My husband doesn't have an appreciation for this tradition and that's okay.  His family has his and my family has ours.  His, ours, that's how I see it.  So, today when I sat down on the couch and ripped the Christmas paper off of a box of Nuts and Chews See's Candies and preceded to devour at least half the box in one sitting all by myself, I didn't feel guilty.  Why?  Because, it's tradition, and the ceremonious box to yourself...Well, that's part of the tradition.

Stacked up

I have lots of memories of my mother.  Funny how the little things are the ones that keep popping up on me here today, things that use to bug me because I thought they were odd are now the tender idiocies that all stacked up made my mom.  For instance, she loved to take a long bath once a week usually on Sunday.  We only had one bathroom in our house and she would literally stay in there for hours.  Billowing steam coming out from under the door, if by chance I couldn't make it through the many hours without needing to use the potty I would have to knock at the door and then beg my way into the bathroom.  She always took her own sweet time in the bathroom, she had a box full of special lotions and potions that to this day I'm still dumbfounded as to what they exactly were.   But, whatever they were she always immerged from the bath smelling fresh and clean as a whistle.  So, today I took a bath.  Truthfully, I love a bath, but I don't have her gift for the hours on end bath.  I was bored after about 20 minutes, but I have to say I did feel better after it.

Another thing I did today was bake oatmeal cookies.  Oatmeal cookies were the staple treat around my house growing up.  We didn't have a lot of sugar cereals or candy laying around, oatmeal cookies were about as sweet as it got.  My mom instructed me until I was old enough to follow a recipe and then I was set free to enjoy the tradition on my own.  I have a good friend that still talks about the memories of making cookies at my house.  So, today I baked a batch of oatmeal cookies.

Just a couple of things that have stood out to me today that distinctly remind me of my mother.  I guess it's good to have a few memories stacked up around me to remind who I came from and how I may resemble her in some ways, even in the small things.

This moment

So, I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here, maybe at a later date.  But, my mother passed away 3 days ago.  It seems like it has been so much longer, like I've been living in slow motion over the last few days. I'm painfully tired, but at this moment I'm grateful to feel the way I do.  I'm not going to lie, I've struggled over the last few months, even years I guess you could say over the condition of my mother's health and tonight I finally feel like she has been released.  Released from the harness of her own physical body, released from her constant battle to keep herself together when I know it was so difficult.  So, for this tonight, I am truly grateful.  Honestly it is the first time over the past few days where I haven't been tormented by my own grief and in this moment I'm able to look past myself and see things from her perspective.  She is released...finally.  

So when my faith falters and I miss her so dearly or start to have little "Pity Parties" about how much I wish she was here with me, I pledge to look back on this post and remind myself of this moment and this feeling.  I'm so truly happy for her...

Grateful

I've read a lot of post about things people are grateful for and truly I need this.  So, here it goes.  I'm grateful for my mother.  Some of you know she has been sick for sometime, as a brief history she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease about 2 years ago and she also realized she had a serious heart condition.  I can hear her in my head,

"I have an enlarged heart, a murmur..."

"Mom, the doctor says we can treat it.."

"No, no, no, I'm not going to do anything like that, when it's my time that's it."

"Are you sure?" I wasn't sure she understood, had the dementia clouded her judgement?

Pause. Direct eye contact. Lowered voice.

"Yes dear, I'm sure."

End of subject.

I cried and cried as I realized she was completely competent in this, maybe not so much in other areas, but in this yes, completely competent.  Treat the Alzheimer's that's what she wants.  Her mother had dementia for 20 years, brutal, cruel, painful, and never-ending dementia.  And so I've respected her wishes and we've carried on for two years.  Ups and downs, moments of grief for the loss of my mother slowly slipping away from me.  Moments of sheer joy in seeing her here playing with my son in whatever state of mind, cherishing the time we have with her.  And moments of clarity...

The last couple of weeks she's been slipping.  How?  Forgetting more, you might ask.  No, weakness, shortness of breath, not making it up the stairs, loss of weight and appetite.  Doctors, nurses, and now, more waiting...

I am so grateful for my mother at this time and season in my own life.  Forgive me if I dwell on her during this time, but she was my first example of strength and faith and her greatest lesson to me is still playing out...

Giving in

Yes, it's true.  I'm giving in, I've been fighting the trend of blogging for some time now as some of you may know.  Not sure why, just have, maybe it's lack of time, lack of things to say, whatever.  But, I must say I've seen so many GREAT blogs out there that I'm ready.  Even if it's just me talking to myself - I do this a lot - here it goes.