Stacked up

I have lots of memories of my mother.  Funny how the little things are the ones that keep popping up on me here today, things that use to bug me because I thought they were odd are now the tender idiocies that all stacked up made my mom.  For instance, she loved to take a long bath once a week usually on Sunday.  We only had one bathroom in our house and she would literally stay in there for hours.  Billowing steam coming out from under the door, if by chance I couldn't make it through the many hours without needing to use the potty I would have to knock at the door and then beg my way into the bathroom.  She always took her own sweet time in the bathroom, she had a box full of special lotions and potions that to this day I'm still dumbfounded as to what they exactly were.   But, whatever they were she always immerged from the bath smelling fresh and clean as a whistle.  So, today I took a bath.  Truthfully, I love a bath, but I don't have her gift for the hours on end bath.  I was bored after about 20 minutes, but I have to say I did feel better after it.

Another thing I did today was bake oatmeal cookies.  Oatmeal cookies were the staple treat around my house growing up.  We didn't have a lot of sugar cereals or candy laying around, oatmeal cookies were about as sweet as it got.  My mom instructed me until I was old enough to follow a recipe and then I was set free to enjoy the tradition on my own.  I have a good friend that still talks about the memories of making cookies at my house.  So, today I baked a batch of oatmeal cookies.

Just a couple of things that have stood out to me today that distinctly remind me of my mother.  I guess it's good to have a few memories stacked up around me to remind who I came from and how I may resemble her in some ways, even in the small things.

This moment

So, I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here, maybe at a later date.  But, my mother passed away 3 days ago.  It seems like it has been so much longer, like I've been living in slow motion over the last few days. I'm painfully tired, but at this moment I'm grateful to feel the way I do.  I'm not going to lie, I've struggled over the last few months, even years I guess you could say over the condition of my mother's health and tonight I finally feel like she has been released.  Released from the harness of her own physical body, released from her constant battle to keep herself together when I know it was so difficult.  So, for this tonight, I am truly grateful.  Honestly it is the first time over the past few days where I haven't been tormented by my own grief and in this moment I'm able to look past myself and see things from her perspective.  She is released...finally.  

So when my faith falters and I miss her so dearly or start to have little "Pity Parties" about how much I wish she was here with me, I pledge to look back on this post and remind myself of this moment and this feeling.  I'm so truly happy for her...

Grateful

I've read a lot of post about things people are grateful for and truly I need this.  So, here it goes.  I'm grateful for my mother.  Some of you know she has been sick for sometime, as a brief history she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease about 2 years ago and she also realized she had a serious heart condition.  I can hear her in my head,

"I have an enlarged heart, a murmur..."

"Mom, the doctor says we can treat it.."

"No, no, no, I'm not going to do anything like that, when it's my time that's it."

"Are you sure?" I wasn't sure she understood, had the dementia clouded her judgement?

Pause. Direct eye contact. Lowered voice.

"Yes dear, I'm sure."

End of subject.

I cried and cried as I realized she was completely competent in this, maybe not so much in other areas, but in this yes, completely competent.  Treat the Alzheimer's that's what she wants.  Her mother had dementia for 20 years, brutal, cruel, painful, and never-ending dementia.  And so I've respected her wishes and we've carried on for two years.  Ups and downs, moments of grief for the loss of my mother slowly slipping away from me.  Moments of sheer joy in seeing her here playing with my son in whatever state of mind, cherishing the time we have with her.  And moments of clarity...

The last couple of weeks she's been slipping.  How?  Forgetting more, you might ask.  No, weakness, shortness of breath, not making it up the stairs, loss of weight and appetite.  Doctors, nurses, and now, more waiting...

I am so grateful for my mother at this time and season in my own life.  Forgive me if I dwell on her during this time, but she was my first example of strength and faith and her greatest lesson to me is still playing out...

Giving in

Yes, it's true.  I'm giving in, I've been fighting the trend of blogging for some time now as some of you may know.  Not sure why, just have, maybe it's lack of time, lack of things to say, whatever.  But, I must say I've seen so many GREAT blogs out there that I'm ready.  Even if it's just me talking to myself - I do this a lot - here it goes.