Reflections...

I just want to retell an experience I had not that long after Grayson was born. It was Sunday and it had been one of those non-stop weekends that comes with the birth of a baby and getting adjusted to the new "normal" of life with a new baby in our little nest. Chris was exhausted and ended up staying home from church to catch up on sleep and the boys were restless and needed to get out even if Mom and Dad were tired. So, I took them to church with me. Everything was going smoothly or so I thought until....A nice older woman from church started talking to me about Grayson. She was being so sweet to him and I. Her voice was tender and loving as she said things like, "Momma, you are doing such a good job. Look at this beautiful baby boy. You are taking such good care of him. What a blessing." Like I said I thought I was fine, but as she kept going on and on I soon had great big tears rolling down my face. I excused myself and somehow found my way to the restroom. Why had I done that? Why on earth would I break down with this woman I hardly knew? I thought I was fine, sure a little tired, but fine. Well, I carried myself through church and home again and began to think about what was going on. Sure enough, it was my mother. I missed her. So much. And those tender whisperings to my new son and I were exactly what my mother would have said to me if she were here physically, in the flesh. The funny thing is that it wasn't a sad experience for me three years later now after her passing, but rather a reminder of what a wonderful mother I had and that as much as I miss her I will always find pieces of her through the women I come in contact with in the course of my life. No, nothing will replace her. But, I had a dear mother who was tender and loving with me and oh so, encouraging when I needed it. Was it a coincidence that this woman struck a chord with me that Sunday morning? I think you know the answer. No, I believe my mother is still watching over me and around me as I raise these boys. The last words she said directly to me were, "Go take care of those boys." I know she loves them and is mindful of me as I perform my duties as a mother.

You are probably wondering what happened to the woman at church? Well, she lives right next door and she called over here after church that day. By then I was resting and Chris was on his shift with the boys. He explained my situation and how touched I was by her words and that it was a sweet reminder of my mother and she understood. The next day her husband showed up with homemade bread and pie. And we've become great friends and neighbors. I am so blessed to be surrounded by good people and women in particular. I am so blessed to have had a wonderful mother that taught me so much and even though I can't pick up the phone and call her right now; I know she is there and I am so grateful for that. The women I laugh and cry with remind me of her gifts. The women I love and admire remind me of her courage. When I make my mistakes and need to repair and rebuild, I am reminded of her too. I still love her so much and miss her, but now I realize I'll never really be without her either. She will always be close to me, even if it is through an awkward moment at church. Oh well, thanks Mom.

E. Smart verdict

Back in the year 2002 a few days after our first anniversary we were on vacation in So. Cal, we were settling down in our hotel room for the evening and watching the news about a 14 year old girl that had been abducted from her home not very far from our home in SLC. I distinctly remember saying out loud to Chris as we watched the coverage, "This is terrible, I wish there was something we could do to help them." I think we talked a little more about it, maybe Chris even told me there was a connection to the family in some way. But, I had no idea how this young women would dramatically impact our life. Chris left to fly back the next day while I continued my trip, when I came back Chris was already heavily involved in handling the media for the family.

Over the next nine months I saw my husband perform incredible feats to help the Smart family. I can honestly say I've never seen anyone work as hard as I saw Chris work. He was sleep deprived, emotionally drained, but completely loyal to the Smart family through it all. It was humbling to watch. For my part in it, I can honestly say I grew up during that time. I missed my husband terribly, but was also fiercely loyal about my husband's support of the family and the family in general. And now eight years later as I watched Elizabeth making her statement to the media after a guilty verdict was announced with Chris nearby in the background, I was so proud. I was proud of her and yes, also a little proud my dear husband.

Thanksgiving 2010

It's been an interesting Thanksgiving. Oh don't worry, nothing too earth shaking, but it did involve a trip to the hospital which these days doesn't seem to be that out of the ordinary. Chris had his appendix taken out late Wednesday night and I insisted on staying with him (hopelessly devoted, I am). So, for the big Turkey Day I was sleep deprived and hungry and Chris was recovering and barely coherent. But regardless, we made our way over to my brother's house for a Thanksgiving feast. The boys were shamelessly starved for attention and enthusiastic about the prospect of a turkey dinner. So, it goes.

I have no pictures of the occasion because I was less than on top of it. No pies did I end up baking. No special recipes attempted, only me showing up at the door of my sister-in-laws house empty-handed and humble. Yes, grateful for my family and hopeful of a little entertainment for the boys and refuge for the holiday. It was wonderful, the whole lot of it. The food was wonderful and the company was comfortable. I loved it.

Thanksgiving has become a tender holiday for me since my mother's passing. She passed on the 20th of November, so soon follows Thanksgiving which has been a wonderful opportunity to reflect a little especially in the presence of my family....her family. Now that I'm home and still not sleeping tonight because of my poor husband's need for tending and my lack of sleep skills...I'm a little reflective. I'm thinking of each family member, our complicated and passionate whole and it makes me a little proud. I think I have a touch of her spirit with me tonight, thinking of them as she would've and I'm a little in awe. We are all the sum total of my parents which was solid, but at times a lethal and passionate combination. And so it's interesting to see how that shakes out a couple of generations down the line. The lethal part has died down to the occasional sting and the passionate part is alive and well in all the grandchildren (my boys make a good showing in that department). But, most of all we are a solid family making the best of whatever comes our way. I enjoyed talking with each family member individually and loved the group interaction just as much. Every once in awhile I would have impressions of my mother nearby as she always was during these occasions.

My father was also there probably missing her a little more than we were, but holding his own and weaving his influence over our heads. He slipped out early, which is his nature and as he did so he slipped me a crisp new hundred dollar bill which he hasn't done in awhile, but is a signature move on his part. He was born in the year 1929 which means "cash is king" for him and he really does think any other gift would be wasteful and useless. Honestly, I can only think of two other gifts other than money that he has ever given me; one being an opal ring I wore at my wedding and the other an electric meat carver that I will probably end up passing on to my children unless it breaks. He is quite a character and we're glad he has reclaimed all his vigor since my mother's passing 2 years ago.

It was a wonderful event and I am blessed to be a part of a family that is stamped in their own individual ways with the impressions of my mother and my father. They are wonderful examples of perseverance and dedication. My mother had a deep and abiding love of her Savior. She was an eternal optimist and a survivor. She always seemed to pull herself back up even when life sometimes leveled her even right up until the end. The last family meal we had with her was around the end of October, she hadn't been feeling well, but she received a special blessing from my brother at some point earlier that had helped immensely. Before the dinner she had gone upstairs, showered and dressed herself and was sitting upright at the table eating a little chicken noodle soup when I arrived. She was smiling and talking with everyone. I naively thought she could be on the mend. A few days later she could no longer make it up the stairs and within a couple of weeks she had passed. Now the thought of that episode reaffirms to me that she was an amazing woman, what a precious memory.

So, we are a great, big American family that enjoyed a day of comfort food and comfortable surroundings and we are blessed to be in the family that we are with a vast and unique cast of characters. Wouldn't trade it for another one, not today, not any day, no thanks. Wish me luck the rest of the weekend and hopefully I can somehow reclaim a little rest in the next few days. Ah, the life of a mother and wife. Another thing I wouldn't trade for anything. Happy Thanksgiving.